The Silent Struggle: The Honest Truth About Perinatal and Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

Mothers deserve comprehensive mental health care to effectively address depression and anxiety, not just temporary solutions. It's equivalent to putting your kids Bluey band-aid on a deep wound. Perinatal and postpartum depression are prevalent challenges that require proper attention during and after pregnancy. Despite depression screenings, many women struggle to access the necessary and suitable care, a disparity often not seen in the treatment of physical health issues.

I consider myself fortunate to have access to care, although the process of obtaining it was grueling and sometimes felt harsh. I was in urgent need of assistance and a listening ear, which unfortunately was not readily available. Despite trying various medications and following the common recommendations such as spending time outdoors, taking walks, exercising, eating well, and journaling, nothing seemed to alleviate my condition; in fact, it was worsening. I had a strong intuition that benzodiazepines along with my current medications were necessary for me, even though it conflicted with my wishes during this pregnancy. However, prioritizing my safety and that of my baby became paramount. When my initial psychiatrist dismissed the idea of benzodiazepines, I realized it was time for a change. I sought out a psychiatrist who took the time to understand my situation and showed empathy. Together, we agreed that the consequences of not addressing my anxiety and depression were greater than the risks associated with certain medications. I can confidently say that opting for treatment was the best choice for both my family and me. Even though my overall mental health has greatly improved, I still experience moments of depression and anxiety. But now I have days, even weeks, where I find relief, and in times of difficulty, I have medications that helps ensure my well-being and safety.

Sharing this post and the information below is challenging for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my recent improvement in mood is beginning to fade, and I sense the return of depression. I am reassuring myself that these feelings of depression are temporary and do not reflect my true self. I am still navigating the process of finding balance and coexisting with my perinatal depression while engaging in activities that bring me happiness and confidence, such as writing. Secondly, the difficulty in sharing this stems from the fear of vulnerability, of revealing unpolished aspects that I would rather keep hidden. My mind tells me that I am alone in these feelings and that others will judge me, but I have come to realize that many mothers dealing with depression and anxiety share similar thoughts. We are not isolated, and these thoughts do not define us as inadequate mothers.

I would like to share some of my experiences to let you know that you are not alone. Your thoughts are not solely yours. I want to caution you that the list below includes events that could be triggering.

I am not enough. My family doesn’t need me, some other women would be a better wife and mother, they're better off without me.

I am repulsive. I dislike being in my body. There were moments when it became so unbearable that I would vomit due to the intense disgust and shame I felt that my son had a failure like me as his mom.

Self-harm. There was a time when I struggled with this on a daily basis, until one day I reached a breaking point triggered by my PTSD. If you are thinking about self-harm or have already crossed that line, it is crucial to reach out promptly to a mental health professional or a trusted loved one who can assist you in making the best choice. It is important to be transparent and sincere with those close to you in order to access the necessary and deserved support.

Felt lifeless. Overwhelmed by emptiness, devoid of vitality and purpose. Every fiber drained of energy, struggling to find enthusiasm or motivation. The emotional void weighed heavily, each moment felt desolate. My mind barren, devoid of vibrancy. Physically felt like a hollow shell.

Feeling disconnected from my body. During my pregnancy, I lacked any emotional connection to being pregnant and frequently found myself forgetting about it, despite my growing belly. I didn't feel bonded to my baby, and at times, I even wished I wasn't pregnant. It's difficult to acknowledge that at times I pleaded with the universe to end my pregnancy and to end this misery.

I am pleased to say that I no longer have those thoughts in my life for the most part. It is possible to acknowledge these thoughts and realize that we are wonderful mothers, our bodies are undergoing a significant transformation as we create life, there are alternatives to self-harm, we can discover joy even in challenging times, and if you feel disconnected, give yourself time and space for self-care (however that looks to you!)

These are the depressive and anxious thoughts I experience, and while you may have your own that are unique to you, the general message applies to all of us. These thoughts and behaviors do not reflect our true selves. This is based on my personal journey, and I am not suggesting that others follow the same path, but rather sharing what has helped me. I am incredibly fortunate to have a supportive family, friends, and medical team. If you feel lacking in support, don't hesitate to reach out to others who may share similar experiences (including myself!) and explore available resources. Your safety and that of your baby are the top priorities, not seeking approval or validation from others.